Hey there sexy mamas
Resources and support for Mother's Day
“What messages did you receive about sex from your parents or caregivers when you were growing up?” This is something I ask my coaching clients in their first session. The most common reply is that sex was never talked about, and/or they were shamed for showing an interest. They tell me they wish the situation had been different.
But where they are parents themselves, they’ve usually not found themselves able to have these discussions with their own children. History has been repeating. One of the most satisfying things for me is when they tell me that thanks to my coaching, they are now able to have these discussions.
That doesn’t start out as one of the aims of coaching. As society we turn away from the idea our under-16s are sexually aware, let alone active - even though all the statistics say otherwise. One mother told me in a coaching session how she had started having sexual contact with boys at age 13. But later when I was recommending some resources, and about one of them said “Actually you could watch this with your daughter, you said she’s 17,” she was horrified. “She’s too young to need to know about any of that!“. I didn’t say anything… I just sat there, and watched the realisation dawn on her face.
Some resources I recommend to parents and care-givers to help them talk about sex with their kids, are the websites Outspoken Sex Ed, and Sex Positive Families. Both have extensive lists of diverse and inclusive books, videos etc as well as their own content.
At the other end of the picture, I coach adults who who will say something like “Oh, I don’t think my parents ever had sex again after me and my siblings were conceived!” But I know statistically, that if their parents are still alive and healthy and happy together, they are more likely to be having good sex than their children in their 40s and 50s.
For inspiration around keeping a sex life hot into older age see the book Magnificent Sex – Lessons From Extraordinary Lovers by Dr Peggy Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard, and the Sex Advice For Seniors website and podcast.
Let’s face it, our mothers all had sex - or we wouldn’t be here. And if they’re alive and well are probably still having it in some form. But culturally, mothers are not portrayed as sexual beings (outside the MILF category). The first few years of motherhood are indeed when a woman will statistically have the least sex, and some of this is for natural reasons such as exhaustion; but the taboo about motherhood and sexuality co-existing does not help women get back on track. Sex is an activity which provides physical and mental health benefits and help strengthen the bond between a couple, so that’s a tragedy.
For help in this life stage, see the book How To Not Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life, by Dr Karen Gurney; and for straight-talking opinion the book Mating In Captivity by Ester Perel.
On this Mother’s Day weekend (here in the UK), let’s recognise and celebrate that mothers are sexual beings too.
I hope you find my resources recommendations helpful. I didn’t include links as for sure this email would have got sent to spam, but I’m sure you’ll find everything I mention via google. If you’d rather get the bespoke knowledge you need across multiple topic areas distilled directly to you, reach out to me for coaching. Just reply to this email.
Ruth
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