It's my 50th birthday weekend

The five biggest things I've learnt about sex

It's my 50th birthday weekend! A little while ago on Substack, I saw a writer share 'Forty things I have learnt in my life' for their 40th birthday. It was interesting at first then a bit laborious; I didn't get to the end. So rather than 'Fifty things I’ve learned about sex' for my 50th birthday, here are the five biggest things.

1. Staying silent about your needs and desires, from the smallest to the largest, does not serve either yourself or your partner. The more radically honest you can be, the better for both/all of you. From “Actually, that doesn’t feel quite as good as what you were doing a moment ago, can you go back to that?“ to ”I want to explore opening up our marriage“; conversation and communication is absolutely key to pleasure.

2. Desire is more often responsive than spontaneous. Outside of the first couple of months of a relationship, we likely need to put a bit of effort and time into setting the scene for sex, in order to desire it. If we are leading busy lives, scheduling time for intimacy is key, and something to feel positively about not see as any kind of failure. Putting a heart or two in the diary each week when we do our Monday morning planning is absolutely key to mine and Tech Support’s sexual relationship.

3. The whole body is a sexual pleasure paradise! It’s not all about the genitals. This not only makes sex more varied and long-lasting; it future-proofs us, if we currently have fully functioning genitals, for times they may not work quite how we want them to.

   

   (Almost 50 and damn happy about it!)

4. Sex doesn’t have to be all serious, it can be playful and fun. My absolute favourite type of sex is when I find I am giggling and laughing a lot. That’s the sign that my happiest, most euphoric brain chemicals are being released, which will lead to the most epic pleasure. Look for ways to lighten the mood. I know it’s not just me who wants this: when I ask people what three words describe their ideal sex life, ‘Playful’ is the word I hear most often.

5. Having high relationship quality and satisfaction overall is so important for pleasure in the bedroom. Feeling connected with each other, respected and supported gives the basis for amazing sex. Sometimes completing a household task side-by-side can be a better prelude to sex than a massage and a glass of wine.

My birthday is tomorrow and I will be looking forward to a day of my favourite things: Tech Support, the Ibizan sunshine, beach and sea, and dancing with friends late into the night.

If you are fortunate enough to be experiencing some of your favourite things this weekend, be sure to treasure every moment. I know I will.

Ruth

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