Jealous of sticky little fingers?
More ice cream analogies
Do you know the difference between jealousy and envy? How about their intriguing sibling, compersion? Understanding what these are can help us unpick the mess of feelings we might experience when an attractive stranger flirts with our partner; or a friend is telling us about the hot sex they are having when we are in a dry spell; or when we are considering opening up a relationship.
Here are my definitions:
Jealously is when we want what someone else has, and feel our own situation is compromised or threatened due to them having it. It comes with negative feelings towards the other person, often aggressive or destructive.
Envy is when we want what someone else has, but don’t feel we are under threat from them having it. It doesn’t necessarily come with negativity towards that person.
Compersion is when we take pleasure and joy in someone else’s pleasure and joy, even when we are not sharing in the source of it.
I’ll explain with an example – a non-sexual one which continues my ice cream theme from last week:
You are walking through a park on a hot summer’s day and see a small child tucking into an ice cream. It looks like your favourite flavour. There is a look of absolute joy on their face and their chin and fingers are sticky as the ice cream starts to melt. You feel a surge of happiness at the sight, witnessing their pleasure, even though you don’t have an ice cream of your own. That’s compersion.
Watching the child, you realise how much you want an ice cream. You start to salivate. Now you are envying them – they have something you want – while still feeling compersion too. But it’s ok – the ice cream van is right there…
You go over to order, but the seller points at the child and says “Sorry, they got the last ice cream I have.” For a split second you imagine running over and grabbing the half-finished ice cream out of their sticky little mitts, leaving them wailing. Now you are experiencing jealousy – they have something you want, and their having it is costing you. But at the same time you are still happy for them, feeling compersion.
A mix of feelings, pleasant and unpleasant, right?
Now picture that in a monogamous sexual situation. You spot your partner being chatted-up by an extremely attractive stranger. You feel a stab of jealousy, and in a moment your imagination has run through you being left alone as they disappear into the sunset together. You have to hold back from marching over and making a nasty comment. At the same time, you envy your partner - it’s been ages since anyone flirted with you… But watching them you also feel compersion – your partner’s been feeling low about their looks recently and you know this will be giving them a boost.
No wonder we feel so overwhelmed in moments like that! Understanding what’s going on, and so being able to unpick that tangle of emotions, can help us feel more in control.
I cover these definitions, and lots more about jealousy, in my workshop ‘Understanding Jealousy’. I’m presenting it live on Wednesday next week, 8pm UK time (can't make it live? A recording will be sent to all ticket-holders). So if you’d like to learn more, come along! Find out more and book here: https://app.wearexapp.com/even...
There are many opportunities for compersion in day-to-day life when we look for them, and it’s an emotion we find easier to feel the more we practice. I consider it a good life-skill to have. Can you think of examples where you feel it?
I learnt about compersion through researching support resources for people considering ethical non monogamy. This is one of many examples of where the world of alternative sexual practices can help educate us all, whether we are mono or poly, vanilla or kinky.
We don’t need to be considering an open relationship to benefit from understanding the differences between the three emotions described above. Try tuning in to them this weekend and they may help you better understand the nuances of your feelings in many situations, whether in bed or out, whether with friends, family or lovers, and whether or not your favourite ice cream flavour is involved…
Ruth
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