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Are you being emotionally affected by horrifying world events – both far-afield, and on your doorstep? Feeling frozen and frustrated at the political landscape? Then you might need a longer warm-up to sex at the moment – but the effort is worth it, for you and the world.
“Sex? At a time like this? Ruth, haven’t you seen the news?”
Yes, I have. But unless we are acutely involved, we are more good to the causes we believe in if we make time to tune in to sexual pleasure (solo or partnered), rather than scrolling social media and news non-stop. A state of relaxation is a better starting-point for activism, than one of fear and horror.
I know, I’ve come from both states in recent weeks – and I’ve been of much greater service to my marriage, family, friendship group and community in weeks I've been having sex, than weeks I've spent my downtime obsessing over my news feed instead. If we want the world to move towards love not hate, we ourselves need to model that, by creating our energy from a place of love.
So how can we create the mood for sexual play at times like this?
Firstly – if you’re not acutely, immediately involved in events – put your phone away. It might feel somehow unfaithful, disrespectful and unsupportive, towards those actively fighting the fights… but if you burn out at home through stress of being ‘on’ 24/7, you’re no good to the causes you want to support. You having an evening on airplane mode likely won’t have any negative effect on the fight overall, but it will have a hugely positive effect on your energy to show up for it tomorrow.
If you have a favourite way of completing the stress cycle – exercise, a brisk walk, meditation, playing with a pet – aim to do that before you move towards the bedroom. As readers of this newsletter you may already use certain special lighting or music during sex; lean into those ‘cues’ more than ever in stressful times.
Then: however long it takes you usually to get in the mood – allow much longer. Is there a particular non-sexual act that deeply unwinds you? For me it’s having my hands massaged… Start with that, and focus on that until you feel more relaxed.
Only then move on to sexual play. If you’re with a partner, check in: “What do you need tonight?”
Share what kind of sex you ideally want to have. Do you need slow, super-intimate closeness? Do you need a fantasy roleplay scenario to take you out of reality? Do you need power-play – to give up control through submission, or feel you have control through dominance?
Checking-in like this is so important, especially if you habitually include elements of kink. Maybe your partner usually loves it when you spank them… but if they’ve been watching violence on the news, they may react badly this time to impact play. Communicate!
What if your mind is hijacked repeatedly mid-act with scenes from the newsreels? Rather than “I must NOT think about that, DON’T think about that”, it can help to tell yourself “I can think about that all I want later on, just not right now.” This is a trick I use myself.
You can also tune in more closely to what’s happening in the moment with a running commentary in your head of what your partner is doing to you, or you to them, or you to yourself. If you’re confident with erotic talk, you could even voice it out loud. Concentrating on what’s happening AND the words to describe it, doesn’t leave much mental space for anything else.
Ultimately if you find you’re just not easing into the sexual mood, whatever you try, then instead just have this as a time for closeness.
It’s not selfish to make time for sex, when it can help make you a calmer, more compassionate, more generous, loving and creative person. That’s what our communities – and the world – needs.
Ruth
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