My 'Cinderella switch' = playtime is over
Do you have one?
We are accustomed to using the term ‘sex drive’ to describe our desire levels, but sex is not actually a drive. Shocked? Read on...
Biologically-speaking, ‘drives’ refer to things that are essential for an individual organism’s survival. So food, water, sleep, and controlling extremes of temperature of our bodily environment, are our drives. While sex is essential for the continuation of the species it’s not essential for our individual survival, so not a ‘drive’ (even if in moments of high lust, it may sometimes feel like it!).
Again and again I have discovery calls with people who tell me how stressed and exhausted they are and feeling insecure about work/finances. Yet they’re feeling scared and guilty that they don’t have much libido. The body is actually doing what it thinks is the RIGHT thing by lessening libido in this case. Having some practices to de-stress and create feelings of safety is essential to being able to feel horny [for most people - a minority are turned-on by stress as sex is a route through which they relax - there’s nothing wrong with you if this is you].
When a drive needs to be satisfied, sex and everything else gets demoted. If you’re reading this newsletter, chances are you don’t have to worry whether you’re imminently about to go without food, water, sleep or shelter; in this privileged position long-term, we learn to try to ignore drives to a degree. A little bit hungry? No reason to panic...
...but we won’t have our most satisfying sexual experiences when the nagging need to satisfy a drive is in the background.
Would you say you’re sensitive to drives? I am very sensitive. Hungry? Forget it. As part of my coaching I’ll sometimes get clients to map out their ideal sexual encounter: mine happens on an afternoon and includes a snack break.
Afternoon is important as I am very sensitive to the need for sleep. If playtime hasn’t started by late evening, there’s a chance what I call my ‘Cinderalla switch’ will flick. That’s the moment when I suddenly need to go to bed – as in, to sleep – and any possibility of a party is over. Sometimes it can happen even if the party is already in progress...
I also can’t have cold feet. Luxe fluffy socks are a turn-on for me as they’ve become so associated with good sex. I’m not alone – in a much-publicised (but not strictly scientifically respected) study, people orgasmed more easily with socks on.*
Have a think about how you can make sure your drives are all satisfied before sexual play starts. Try it, and you may find it’s easier to lose yourself in pleasure.
What’s your ‘Cinderalla switch’? I’d love you to hit reply and let me know.
Ruth
Loved this. Such a relieving way to take the drama out of “libido” and put a bit of kindness back in the body. The Cinderella switch made me laugh — and yes to snacks, socks, and not trying to be horny while knackered. Sensible, humane, and oddly comforting.