My most personal Something For The Weekend yet
What's honestly been happening for me recently
This edition of Something For The Weekend feels very personal. I may have written more explicit salacious details of my intimate life before, but this feels more vulnerable. I’m hoping what I’ve experienced recently will be useful and inspiring. It’s about my experience of my libido - and resulting sex life - over the past few weeks.
First, the background. Over recent years, Tech Support (TS) and I have relied more and more heavily on scheduling time for intimacy. As you know, I talk about this a lot, and I send a reminder every Monday morning on my Instagram for people to look at their diary for the coming week and ‘mark a heart or two’ in there. It’s what TS and I do.
In all honestly? Often when that ‘heart’ has come around, I’ve been wanting to just slob on the sofa zoning out to the TV, or have felt I should carry on working instead, not having got through my list for the day. But, understanding arousal science, I have known that if we create a bit of time to relax and connect, I will get more keen… that once naked together I will be feeling much more into it… and that, euphoric and sweaty afterwards, I will be so, so glad that we made the effort. But without the intention set on a Monday and heart(s) drawn in the diary, it likely wouldn’t have happened.
Why, when I love and am attracted to my husband? Running one’s own business is draining, especially when the struggles to make it a success (uniquely difficult and frustrating when one’s topic is sex) start to overtake one’s thoughts 24 hours a day. Add in tiring side-hustles kept on board for the necessary extra income, plus some heavy family issues, and energetic hobbies to shake out that stress, and I had burnt out without realising.
A series of health issues this year have been a wake-up call and I’ve taken my foot off the accelerator of the business, dropped the most tiring side-hustle, and calmed my social life right down. I’ve done it for my mental and physical health, but it hadn’t occurred to me as a byproduct of that, what the impact might be on my sex life…
Well! I’ve got a libido like I’ve not had in a decade and Tech Support and I have been having more sex than since we were newlyweds. Despite my knowledge that libido ebbs and flows through a lifetime, I didn’t expect as a 50-year-old woman in a monogamous long term relationship to be spontaneously wanting sex with my husband every single day, sometimes multiple times. I don’t think Tech Support expected this either, in his early 60s, but he’s rising to the challenge admirably!
It has brought into sharp focus on an experiential level, so much of what I educate and coach about.
It really is true that stress zaps our libido; that if we are tired, arousal takes so much more effort to get going. Also that knowing one’s turn-ons and off and actively working with them when scheduling time for intimacy, keeps the sexual connection between a couple that might otherwise have got lost. Returning to a more regular sex life has felt natural and easy, whereas if we had let ourselves fall into a semi-sexless marriage it would have been much harder.
it’s also a reminder that if our enthusiasm has faded it’s not necessarily about our partner, it’s about the energy that we have for eroticism overall. I was attracted to TS, but sometimes it felt more academic than visceral. It didn’t have that “OMG you’re so gorgeous I just want to rip your clothes off right now” quality. Now that has come back, and it’s glorious, and in fact it’s even more incredible and beautiful than it was in our early days because it’s now backed with approaching two decades of love and learning together.
There’s been no changes to medications, I haven’t gone on testosterone, we’ve not been on a month long holiday; I’ve dropped a side-hustle and been resting more but it’s not as if my lifestyle has totally changed. Adjusting my schedule to live by my natural sleeping/waking patterns (night owl) has been a big thing, as has getting a bit selfish with my time (allowing myself to relax with a book with my phone off, rather than making myself constantly available to friends on Whatsapp).
If you’re in a long-term relationship where the love and attraction is still there but the visceral sexual spark isn’t, and you want it back, is there anything you can learn from my story?
The number one thing couples at the start of coaching wistfully say they’d love to have back is spontaneous passionate sex. I’ve always said that the way back towards that, is via scheduling intimacy; once you’re having regular fun you start to want it more. Now I will also ask questions in much more depth than before about where their energy is going, what time they have for themselves, and how closely their lifestyle matches their natural bodyclock - and encourage them to make changes accordingly.
I’m living proof that passionate spontaneity can return, even in monogamous midlife. And while I had been happy with our one or two planned hearts in the diary each week, I must say – the return to daily spontaneity is absolutely fcking glorious.
Special thanks for supporting me in these changes go to:
Adina Butar and her 28-day transformation book, Fire: Reignite The Spark Within. I bought it because she’s the wife of my favourite DJ, so I was curious to see what it was like, and wanted to show support. But I’ve done so much self-development I’ve felt sick of it all, and had so little energy, I didn’t have high hopes for myself personally. But Fire isn’t overwhelming: there’s not a long intro to plough through, it’s almost straight into the 28 day programme, and each day’s reflections and tasks are manageable. I’ve never stuck to any daily programme, but I stuck to this: and the realisations it gave me are behind the big changes I have made. And the results described above! Thank you Adina! Find Fire here:
The Natural Love Company for its Simply Lube and great range of sex toys. They handily sent me the biggest bottle they do of the lube and it’s the best I’ve ever tried. With my new energy and appetite I’ve also been keen for new things again, rather than wanting just to rely on what ‘works’, so I’ve been enjoying exploring their toy range. Get 30 per cent off your first order with my link here:
Obehi Alofoje of Aurora UK Workplace Wellbeing Consultants, for her workshop at Happier Life Live which made me realise the extent to which my bodyclock is that of a night owl (I’m not ‘lazy’ for struggling in the mornings), and that I should start working with it, not fighting it. Find her here:
And of course, Tech Support, who in the hardest weeks for me has been the one gently reminding me, “We need to put a heart in the diary…”. At the basis of it all, is our understanding of ourselves and each other sexually, knowledge of arousal science, and radically honest communication around sex. Start developing all that for yourself with my Connection Playbook For Couples, only £26 for the summer with a subsequent 25 per cent off coaching with me. Find it here – and the sooner you buy and complete it the sooner you can see results! ruthramsay.com/couples
Ultimately what all this has reminded me about, is how if you want more and better sex, look at the bigger picture of your life. Our sexual energy can’t be separated from the rest of our lives - it’s the life force that feeds into, and is fed by, everything else.
What’s one change you can make this weekend to support that?
Ruth
Great article Ruth. It’s a tricky one isn’t it. Life continually pushes us to do more, be more, work harder, earn more. But at what cost?