The faceless man in women's fantasies

He appears more often than you may realise

“He doesn’t have a face. As in, I couldn’t tell you what he looks like.” A strange sentence? Not to a sex coach when talking to women about their fantasies.

It’s very common when women are having sexual fantasies involving a male figure, for them not to have any vision of his face. When the fantasy male is a stranger, the face is often the last thing to get filled-in. But although this is common, women can feel shame around it.

(Photo by Jesús Rocha on Unsplash)

The latest female client sharing an overview of her fantasies with me said “Oh, this is terrible, you’re not going to think well of me for this… I’m so embarrassed… I’ve never told anyone…”. I waited patiently, pretty sure I was NOT going to think badly of her and that she had nothing to be embarrassed about. I was right.

“He’s a stranger, he’s not my husband or a celebrity. He doesn’t have a face. As in, I couldn’t tell you what he looks like. Isn't that weird?”

I reassured her there is nothing wrong with her erotic imagination and this is quite common! Women are more likely* to fantasise about an encounter with a stranger than with someone they know, and often the face doesn’t have any detail.

Why is this? Research shows women’s fantasies are most often focused around what is happening to them and how it makes them feel, more than what they are doing to another person, or who that person is, in any detail.

Mainstream porn I think exacerbates this tendancy. If we watch porn regularly and find it a turn-on, we can find our fantasies getting influenced by it. The brain can get lazy and recall what it saw on-screen that turned us on, rather than creating new images. Often in mainstream films, the male performers’ faces are seldom shown.

Writing this newsletter and thinking about how this applies to me, I’ve realised that in fantasies where I am a woman or the lead character is a woman (often in my fantasies I am observing as if I am watching a film), the faces of the male partners aren’t important. But in fantasies where I am a man (yes I have them! And I know I’m not abnormal for this!), my female partners’ faces are important. Is this because of watching porn? I’ll give it some thought!

If you’d like to know more about fantasies, join me on Tuesday 16 January for my 'Exploring Your Sexual Fantasies 'online workshop. Find out about it and book your place here: https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e...

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How does this all apply to you – especially if you are a woman reading this? Men, don’t take offence at this news – take heart that mutually pleasurable sex is more about how you make your female partner feel than how you look.

Why is all this important? Because so many people feel shame around fantasies or desires that are totally normal! The more shame and worry we feel about ourselves sexually (bodies and minds) the more reduced our capacity for pleasure is. So I love to share information and statistics about fantasies to help us all get more comfortable – and also help us be wow-ed by the ever-inventive-and-creative erotic imagination.

I hope this newsletter has stimulated your curiosity around fantasies… and might even lead to a highly pleasurable solo play session for you this weekend!

Ruth

Ps. “He doesn’t have a face. As in, I couldn’t tell you what he looks like" is also not a strange sentence to someone with prosopagnoisa - aka 'facial blindness' - which I have to a moderate degree. It was a big problem when working as a stripper as I didn't recognise who had tipped me, or been rude to me, in the past... or even within the same shift, if they changed their appearance, by taking a coat off for example. If you have this 'social disability' too, I feel you! Happily it's becoming better understood and known about.

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