The prospect of getting my kit off is bringing up funny feelings

I'm curious, excited... and afraid

There are loses and gains to stepping into unconventional sexual territories.

When I became a striptease artist, I lost friends, a boyfriend, and for a while, my relationship with my parents. The reasons were varied and I can only speculate on them, as the people concerned weren’t up for talking about it. I was also not keen to talk to them, my attitude back then being “If they can’t accept me as I am, fck them”.

(Image of me by praivtedancer.net, an ahead-of-its-time online striptease platform which sadly never got off the ground)

But looking back – and speculating – I think the reactions came from shock, creating alienation. “I didn’t think Ruth could do something like this – maybe I don’t know her after all?”

There was also fear – of what would happen to me, and of what my actions may cause to happen to other people – based on lack of understanding of the industry. After all, when did you ever see a positive portrayal of someone being a stripper, or associating with a stripper? Especially not back in the early Noughties.

There were other fears too. Some of my female friends cut me off, effective immediately (and banned partners from talking to me). Had I morphed overnight into a man-stealing harlot? Or did they feel my journey to sexual openness would put a challenging spotlight on their own?

Or did they simply judge me to have revealed values and morals so opposed to their own, it would be crossing their own boundaries to continue the friendship?

But I also gained so much by becoming a stripper: amazing new friends who just ‘got’ me; huge amounts of confidence in every part of my body; understanding and appreciation of men that I hadn’t had before (I went to an all-girls school where I was heavily indoctrinated that all men were scum and only after one thing – how ironic to learn that wasn’t true through working in the sex industry).

And I gained an arena where I could explore sexual energy and my own erotic creativity and personality. There wasn’t anywhere else in life where I could experiment and play like that.

I’ve been reminded of this recently as I start to build my musical playlist for an upcoming event I’ll be stripping at – a one-off return to performing, after being retired for a decade [details at the bottom of this article]. I’ve been going through my Spotify playlist of Everything I Ever Stripped To – 21 hours of tracks I pressed ‘play’ on and then stepped out onto a stage.

Did I want to play with the energy of intense new-relationship passion? I’d strip to Madonna Justify My Love, peeling off a tight black lace dress and gloves. With aggression and power? The Prodigy Their Law, in a kink police uniform and thigh-high boots. Innocence and shyness? Lionel Ritche Hello, in a long flowing white dress, barefoot and no jewellery. With the energy of heartbreak? Nina Simon Plain Gold Ring. Romantic joy? Ella Fitzgerald The Man I Love. Murderous passion? Where The Wild Roses Grow, the ballad by Nick Cave and Kylie, in a blood red dress with temporary rose tattoos running down my arm.

I learnt to bring erotic energy as a creative and nurturing force into whatever mood I was in. If I was happy, it elevated it; if I was angry or upset, it healed it. I always came off the stage in a good mood.

Since I retired from stripping – which was for practical reasons rather than losing love for it – I’ve aimed to keep aspects of this erotic creativity going. Being part of the kink scene helps with this. But if I am honest, a lot of it has faded.

Now, the idea of actually performing again to a room full of people is giving me funny feelings. I’m curious and excited… and a bit afraid. What will ‘going there’ again be like? I grieved the loss of stripping for five years… Do I risk opening up old wounds, an old passion, a longing for a time that I can’t get back? Or maybe an even worse prospect: I left stripping on a high… what if I find I now hate it?

So it’s time for some self-coaching. When we are going in to a new erotic situation that excites but worries us, how can we best make sure it’s an experience we don’t regret?

Here are the questions I am asking myself:

• What’s my biggest most horrible fear around this, the absolute worst that could come of it?

• What steps can I take in advance, to ensure that doesn’t come to pass?

• What’s my biggest wildest fantastical hope, the absolute best that could come of it?

• What steps can I take in advance to move towards this?

• Thinking more realistically – what are the likely positives in this experience?

• Are there any safety concerns (mental, physical, relational, financial) – how can I mitigate those?

• What might I learn about myself, in this experience, however it goes?

• Who can help make this a positive experience for me?

• How can I make this fun?

The above can apply to everything from going on a first date to going to your first sex party. It applies more widely too – imagine you’re considering going on holiday on your own; applying for a new job; considering moving house; deciding whether to go ahead with medical treatment.

What this illuminates is that our sex life, is part of our overall life. Very often we have the same challenges, and these challenges have the same solutions, in our intimate life as outside it. Usually the key issues come down to honesty, communication (with both ourselves and others), education and preparation.

Have you got an experience coming up which you’re feeling curious, excited and a bit afraid about? Try asking yourself the questions above. I hope they help you get clarity on what you need to do to make it a great success.

Ruth

What’s my upcoming event? I am modelling for a striptease life drawing class run by the East London Strippers Collective (ELSC). I am described as a ‘veteran stripper’! Read more about the event, the ELSC, and see my stripper bio here:

https://eastlondonstripperscollective.com/product/mon-sept-16th-life-drawing-with-elsc-ft-solitaire/

***Become a Something Extra For The Weekend member - a paying subscriber for £5 a month or £50 a year, and get free access to my live online workshops and other goodies. This week I share the tipsheet from my striptease Masterclass earlier this week, and my Spotify playlist of music I love to strip to. Upgrade via the link below (it’s easier on a desktop than a phone).***